/ life

Sunshine and bitching and baby and sleep!

The weather has been so fantastic the last few weeks, I wish I got out more to enjoy it!

It's hard being at home with a baby that seems to need to nap constantly - I'm always trying to work out how I can get out and do one thing before the baby has another meltdown.

Today she was up from a nap at 11am, we scooted out for a walk around the mall, and by the time we got home at 12:10, she was crying and needed to go down again. Like seriously?! An HOUR and you can't handle it? That is not what the baby sleep websites say.

That said, I can't stand the baby sleep websites. There’s a million of them with different articles on “maximum awake time” “preferred nap length” “optimum bedtime”... all written as if their word is the golden standard, and yet they are all totally contradictory to one another. It’s the most irritating bullshit 🙄.

That is one thing I have learned so far about being a parent: All the parenting articles seem to be written by a bunch of people with no qualifications but act like they know EVERYTHING. And it’s all a load of crap.

My experience so far has been:

Baby changes constantly, so every time I think I have a nap routine figured out, she goes and screws me up.

That said, these days we're often on a 1.5-2 hour awake cycle with 30-40 minute naps. She goes to bed between 6:30 and 7:15. Then she wakes up and screams for 1-1.5 hours before going back down for the night. That last bit is new. She used to wake up a few times but be easy to settle. Now it’s a battle. I think last night was night #3? Hopefully it's a phase that passes quickly because it sucks. Last night I tried to scarf down my dinner with one hand while comforting her with the other. Did not work so well.

Eventually poured a glass of wine and sat with her until she settled (around 8:30 last night, which isn't so bad. Our worst night was 10pm), then just went to bed myself.

It’s so tempting to just leave her to cry it out, because nothing we do seems to help anyway, so we’re just sitting there comforting an un-comfort-able baby, but I feel like she’s too young and yes, maybe she screams for an hour when we’re with her, but how long would she scream if we weren’t? Maybe just as long, but maybe longer!

Basically my entire life these days is sleep obsessed. I keep telling myself to stop, because it’s a very boring way to spend all day every day, but I can’t seem to help myself. I don't get enough sleep, she doesn’t get enough sleep, she does weird terrible things centered around sleeping, what ELSE am I going to fixate on? It’s not like I’m working right now and have work drama to worry about 😋. My whole life is sleep and diapers.

But just in case you’re wondering if I’m an angry basket case (because I probably sound like one)... I’m not. Ha.

Today I’m in a good mood. On days where the night is particularly bad I'm a bit more grouchy, but today is not one of those days. I love to complain about what a nightmare our sleep situation is, and it IS, it is killing me... some nights I have been known to break down in tears... but I honestly feel pretty good during the days. And as long as she goes back to sleep quickly when she gets up for a feed at night, I don’t mind that either. It’s just the multi-hours-long wakeup sessions where she won’t re-settle that kill me.

I’m actually a bit worried about when she does sleep through, for a couple reasons:

  1. I think I’ve been conditioned to wake up every 2 hours, so when she sleeps through I'll probably wake up and be unable to fall back asleep and that will suck even more than waking up, feeding her, and going back down....
  2. I’ve read (and experienced!) that breastfeeding releases a lot of feel-good hormones, and I’m paranoid when those hormones begin to drop off because she’s not feeding at night, my body will have a hard time adjusting and that I’ll either have insomnia or PPD or both. I mean hopefully this doesn't happen, but GOD it would be just my luck if it did, right?

I’m guessing just insomnia though. I don’t seem to be predispositioned to depression, thank GOODNESS. knock on wood.

Anyway, the baby is up now from her 30 minute nap so I'm off to entertain her until her next 30 minute nap 🙃